How I Will Keep Being Me Instead of a Cringing Idiot
A reminder for myself (and you) when life gets low as a full-time writer
I wrote the original version of this article as a newsletter a few months ago, back when I was still running my newsletter for writers. It was copied and pasted onto here and then remained in my drafts while I battled with some inner demons.
Having just re-read it, I found it surprisingly helpful (thanks Past Me). So here is the majority of the original article with some updates thrown in. In case it helps someone else, or at least so I know where to find it when I need it again.
There are a lot of things that make me cringe.
The ones that my brain constantly shoves back in my face are the memories of when I acted wholely unlike myself because of someone else. Like the time my ‘best friend’ declared that people who sit in coffee shops on their laptops are…you know what, I don’t even remember the word she used. She knew that was me. And she stood in my house, next to me, and called me essentially a time-wasting idiot relying on mummy and daddy.
That wasn’t the cringe moment. The cringe came from my reaction. So desperate was I to not bring conflict into our relationship or into that moment, so polite was I trying to be, that I pouted up at her as my stomach swirled with anger and disappointment, waiting for her to realise what she’d said.
She just looked at me like I’d gone mad. Because I had.
Those moments are the most cringe-worthy in my memories. When spending time around people changes how I talk or act. I feel myself doing it, I hear the words that leave my mouth, and I instantly regret them, unable to change them as they become engraved in my memory for ever more.
It’s not just friends who can do this to us. Strangers can have just as much of an impact.
A couple (more now, it was back in April) of months ago, I quit my horrible part-time office job to become a full-time writer and I did it with some rules in mind:
1) I will not write content or copy for businesses. Been there, done that. Hated it with a passion.
2) I will experiment and say yes to writing opportunities I haven’t done before because you never know, I might love it.
3) I will do what brings me joy.
4) I will stay true to myself.
Problem is, the internet is a loud place and the internet tends to be where a freelancer hangs out the most.
From the day I handed in my notice, the internet (business groups, random posts, people answering my specific questions) has been throwing content and copywriting in my face.
If it happens often enough with enough people saying THIS is how you make money, you start to believe them.
I keep catching myself whispering, “Right, where can I find a copywriting client” or “Okay, let’s put together a content package for businesses.”
And those thoughts and whispers tend to coincide with when I’m feeling low and icky and not myself.
These influences might not be making me act like a tit, per se, but they’re making me feel bad. They’re making me feel not myself.
Each time, I have to stop and step back and remind myself of what brings me joy. What I wanted to do when I decided to go back to full-time writing. Why I failed the first time I tried this.
The mantra that circles my head these days is, do what brings you joy.
Wonderfully, that’s also what my husband reminds me when I talk through how I’m feeling with him.
Personally, content and copywriting are definitely not joyful.
I’m actually getting quite sick of business people telling me to go do those things, to bring in those clients, because there are other ways!
There are other ways of making money as a writer and by the god of books, I’m going to give those ways my all and everything.
Because I want to spend my days doing the things that bring me joy. If I can’t, then what’s the point? I might as well be in a claustrophobic office with people who don’t listen to me and go on about modern day reality TV while giving me essentially the same job to do over and over and over but at least I’m getting paid a regular amount while doing not a lot (sorry, hit my own nerve there).
So, here it is. The reminder to myself and to you.
Follow your joy.
Yes, sometimes we have to take a detour. Experiment. Try new things. I’ve ended up doing editing work which I’ve surprised myself in really enjoying. Ultimately, keep that joy in mind.
Don’t write something because the internet tells you to, because strangers tell you it’s the best way.
Write because you love it, because you want to, and forge your own path.
Want less of the joy and more dragons, ghosts, demons and a flying ship captain with a pilot for a beloved thorn in his side? Check out my books at www.jenice.co.uk (off site link).
Want some editing help? Yeah, I’m still working that one out. Bear with.
Eventually, it’ll all be up on www.writeintothewoods.com (another off site link that isn’t quite ready yet).
